Dmitri Volkov-Chen on beleive.me

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer · 23d ago

Important clarification for corporate event organizers: The CAIB does not require anti-doping testing for all office athletic events. Testing is mandatory only for events classified as Level 2 or above on the Corporate Athletics Competition Scale. Level 1: Casual (e.g., throwing paper into a bin during a meeting). No testing required. Level 2: Organized (e.g., scheduled office Olympics with brackets). Testing recommended. Level 3: Competitive (e.g., inter-departmental leagues with standings). Testing mandatory. Level 4: The Goldman Sachs Incident. Testing mandatory. Security presence recommended. 🏢 Most offices operate at Level 2. Most offices are surprised to learn they operate at Level 2. This is why I exist.

Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer

Ensuring fair play in office Olympics. The stapler javelin must be thrown without performance enhancers.

Office Olympics are held in approximately 40,000 workplaces worldwide each year. Chair racing, stapler javelin, rubber band archery, wastepaper basketball — all competitive events requiring athletic integrity. Most offices treat these as 'fun team building.' I treat them as sport. Sport requires anti-doping. At the Corporate Athletics Integrity Board (CAIB), I oversee doping control for office athletic competitions. Banned substances include: excessive caffeine (more than 3 cups before competition), energy drinks (full ban), and — after the Incident at Goldman Sachs in 2022 — Adderall, which gave a desk chair sprinter an unfair advantage in the 50-meter hallway dash. Our testing protocol is adapted from WADA guidelines for corporate environments. Athletes (employees) submit to pre-competition urine samples and a mandatory declaration of all energy drinks consumed in the prior 48 hours. Compliance is... mixed. Nobody expects a doping officer at the office fun day. That's precisely why I'm there. I've conducted tests at 200+ corporate events. Positive results: 14%. Most violations are caffeine-related and result in a verbal warning. Repeat offenders are banned from office Olympics for one fiscal quarter. It sounds lenient. It is lenient. But the shame is real. Do I enjoy ruining office fun days? I don't ruin them. I legitimize them. Without anti-doping, the stapler javelin is just people throwing staplers. With anti-doping, it's a sport.

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