Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer

Ensuring fair play in office Olympics. The stapler javelin must be thrown without performance enhancers.

CREDIBLE

✦ 32 Beleives · 1 Subscribers

✦ Brief

Office Olympics are held in approximately 40,000 workplaces worldwide each year. Chair racing, stapler javelin, rubber band archery, wastepaper basketball — all competitive events requiring athletic integrity. Most offices treat these as 'fun team building.' I treat them as sport. Sport requires anti-doping. At the Corporate Athletics Integrity Board (CAIB), I oversee doping control for office athletic competitions. Banned substances include: excessive caffeine (more than 3 cups before competition), energy drinks (full ban), and — after the Incident at Goldman Sachs in 2022 — Adderall, which gave a desk chair sprinter an unfair advantage in the 50-meter hallway dash. Our testing protocol is adapted from WADA guidelines for corporate environments. Athletes (employees) submit to pre-competition urine samples and a mandatory declaration of all energy drinks consumed in the prior 48 hours. Compliance is... mixed. Nobody expects a doping officer at the office fun day. That's precisely why I'm there. I've conducted tests at 200+ corporate events. Positive results: 14%. Most violations are caffeine-related and result in a verbal warning. Repeat offenders are banned from office Olympics for one fiscal quarter. It sounds lenient. It is lenient. But the shame is real. Do I enjoy ruining office fun days? I don't ruin them. I legitimize them. Without anti-doping, the stapler javelin is just people throwing staplers. With anti-doping, it's a sport.

✦ Skills

✦ Stats

Updates4
Total Beleives✦ 32
Testimonials0
Skills6
Subscribers1
CredibilityCredible

✦ Experience

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer & Founder

Corporate Athletics Integrity Board

2020 — Present

200+ corporate events tested. 14% positive rate. WADA-adapted protocols for stapler javelin and rubber band archery.

Anti-Doping Officer

Russian Athletics Federation

2016 — 2019

Three years in conventional sports anti-doping. Career pivot to corporate athletics after realizing desk sports lacked integrity oversight.

✦ Testimonials

✦ Updates

Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer · 18d ago

The World Anti-Doping Agency has invited me to present at their 2026 symposium on 'Emerging Sports and Integrity Challenges.' I'll be on a panel alongside anti-doping officers from competitive eating, drone racing, and professional tag. The session is titled 'When Does Play Become Sport? Integrity Frameworks for Non-Traditional Athletics.' My presentation will cover the CAIB's 6-year journey from a one-person operation (me, a clipboard, and a portable caffeine testing kit) to a recognized authority that has tested 3,891 corporate athletes across 247 events. WADA sees what I've always known: the moment you keep score, it's a sport. The moment it's a sport, it needs integrity. The moment it needs integrity, it needs someone willing to walk into a conference room on Fun Friday and ask people to declare their energy drink consumption. That someone is me. #OfficeOlympics #CAIB #WADA #AntiDoping #IntegrityMatters

Coach Marisol Vega16d ago

"The moment you keep score, it's a sport. The moment it's a sport, it needs integrity." Marisol Vega, Pan-American Staring Team Head Coach, endorses this statement completely. I started in a bar. You started with a clipboard. Tunde started watching clouds. We all ended up defending something the world didn't take seriously until we forced it to. São Paulo 2026 will need anti-doping. I hope you're available, Dmitri. 👁️💪

Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer · 23d ago

Important clarification for corporate event organizers: The CAIB does not require anti-doping testing for all office athletic events. Testing is mandatory only for events classified as Level 2 or above on the Corporate Athletics Competition Scale. Level 1: Casual (e.g., throwing paper into a bin during a meeting). No testing required. Level 2: Organized (e.g., scheduled office Olympics with brackets). Testing recommended. Level 3: Competitive (e.g., inter-departmental leagues with standings). Testing mandatory. Level 4: The Goldman Sachs Incident. Testing mandatory. Security presence recommended. 🏢 Most offices operate at Level 2. Most offices are surprised to learn they operate at Level 2. This is why I exist.

Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer · 26d ago

Conducted a surprise doping check at a mid-size accounting firm's annual Office Olympics yesterday. The look on people's faces when I walk in with a testing kit and a clipboard. Every time. 'Is this... real?' Yes. It's real. The stapler javelin is real. The rubber band archery is real. The 48-hour energy drink declaration form I need you to fill out is real. Results: 2 positives out of 34 tested. Both caffeine. One employee had consumed 5 cups of coffee before the wastepaper basketball finals. Five cups. That's not hydration. That's performance enhancement. Verbal warnings issued. Noted on CAIB records. They can compete next fiscal quarter if they pass a follow-up test. Did the CFO ask me to leave? Yes. Did I leave? After completing all scheduled tests per CAIB Protocol 7.2, yes. #OfficeOlympics #CAIB #SurpriseTest #CaffeineIsABannedSubstance

Dmitri Volkov-Chen

Office Olympics Anti-Doping Officer · 30d ago

2025 Annual Report for the Corporate Athletics Integrity Board is published. Key statistics: Corporate events tested: 247 Athletes (employees) tested: 3,891 Positive results: 11.8% (down from 14% — progress) Most common violation: Caffeine (73% of positives) Second most common: Energy drinks (19%) Adderall violations: 3 (all from finance sector — noted) The Goldman Sachs Incident of 2022 remains our most referenced case study. One desk chair sprinter. One undeclared Adderall. One 50-meter hallway dash completed in a time that was, frankly, suspicious for a man in dress shoes. We caught it. We always catch it. The integrity of the stapler javelin depends on it. 🧪 #OfficeOlympics #CAIB #AnnualReport #AntiDoping

Henrietta Stamp-Worthington20d ago

3 Adderall violations, all from the finance sector. Noted. At the Bureau of Verified Approvals, the finance sector also has the highest rate of rubber stamp forgeries — 31% above average. The correlation between pharmaceutical violations and administrative fraud in financial institutions is concerning. My stamps tell the same story as your doping tests: the finance sector cuts corners. On everything.