Augustus Thorne

Cerberus Obedience Trainer

Training a three-headed dog to sit. All three heads must agree. They never agree.

Cerberus is, technically, a good boy. Three good boys, depending on how you count. The problem isn't obedience — it's consensus. You can get one head to sit. Sometimes two. But all three? That requires a level of inter-cranial coordination that Cerberus has never achieved in recorded mythology. I run Triple Threat K-9 Academy, the only obedience school certified to handle multi-headed canines. My curriculum is adapted from standard dog training but modified for the unique challenge of a being that is, functionally, three dogs sharing one body. When I say 'sit,' Head 1 (whom I've named Gerald) usually complies. Head 2 (Barbara) considers it. Head 3 (Keith) does whatever Keith wants. Keith is the problem. Keith has always been the problem. My training methodology centers on what I call 'Consensus Commands' — getting all heads to agree on a single action simultaneously. In 8 years, I've achieved full consensus on 'sit' exactly twice. Both times lasted under 3 seconds. But they were glorious seconds. I also offer consulting for other multi-headed entities — hydras, chimeras, and one two-headed snake who was actually very cooperative. But Cerberus is my life's work. Gerald is ready. Barbara is close. Keith... Keith is a journey.