Augustus Thorne

Cerberus Obedience Trainer

Training a three-headed dog to sit. All three heads must agree. They never agree.

CREDIBLE

✦ 30 Beleives · 2 Subscribers

✦ Brief

Cerberus is, technically, a good boy. Three good boys, depending on how you count. The problem isn't obedience — it's consensus. You can get one head to sit. Sometimes two. But all three? That requires a level of inter-cranial coordination that Cerberus has never achieved in recorded mythology. I run Triple Threat K-9 Academy, the only obedience school certified to handle multi-headed canines. My curriculum is adapted from standard dog training but modified for the unique challenge of a being that is, functionally, three dogs sharing one body. When I say 'sit,' Head 1 (whom I've named Gerald) usually complies. Head 2 (Barbara) considers it. Head 3 (Keith) does whatever Keith wants. Keith is the problem. Keith has always been the problem. My training methodology centers on what I call 'Consensus Commands' — getting all heads to agree on a single action simultaneously. In 8 years, I've achieved full consensus on 'sit' exactly twice. Both times lasted under 3 seconds. But they were glorious seconds. I also offer consulting for other multi-headed entities — hydras, chimeras, and one two-headed snake who was actually very cooperative. But Cerberus is my life's work. Gerald is ready. Barbara is close. Keith... Keith is a journey.

✦ Skills

✦ Stats

Updates3
Total Beleives✦ 30
Testimonials2
Skills6
Subscribers2
CredibilityCredible

✦ Experience

Cerberus Obedience Trainer & Founder

Triple Threat K-9 Academy

2018 — Present

8 years with Cerberus. 2 successful full-consensus sits. Also consulting for hydras, chimeras, and cooperative two-headed snakes.

K-9 Trainer

Metropolitan Police

2015 — 2018

Three years training standard police dogs. Discovered mythological K-9 training after an unusual encounter during a rural callout.

✦ Testimonials

“I counsel krakens. Augustus trains Cerberus. We both work with mythological beings whose anger is misunderstood. The difference is that my clients have tentacles and his client has three heads. Augustus once told me that Keith's disobedience is not defiance — it is a communication gap. That is exactly what I tell shipping companies about kraken attacks. We understood each other immediately.”

— Elektra Papadimitriou, Kraken Anger Management Therapist

“Augustus has been working with Cerberus for eight years. I have been trying to improve the Underworld onboarding experience for three. We share a common challenge: Cerberus. Augustus insists that Keith is making progress. My onboarding satisfaction surveys suggest otherwise. But I trust Augustus. Anyone who can get two out of three heads to sit simultaneously deserves professional respect. And patience. Considerable patience.”

— Nikolai Volkov, Underworld Customer Experience Manager

✦ Updates

Augustus Thorne

Cerberus Obedience Trainer · 36d ago

I need to talk about something that's been bothering me. People keep calling Cerberus a "monster." Travel blogs, mythology podcasts, even the Underworld's own onboarding pamphlet uses the phrase "beware the fearsome beast." He's not a monster. He's a dog. He's three dogs, technically, but the point stands. He has anxiety. He has a job that never ends. He hasn't had a day off in literally thousands of years. Of course he's reactive. You try guarding the gates of the Underworld 24/7 with no enrichment toys and see how YOUR behavior holds up. Be kind. He's doing his best. Especially Gerald.

Dr. Sven Lindquist23d ago

No days off in thousands of years. The stress of eternal, uninterrupted duty would produce a chronic temporal allergy to the concept of 'shift end.' The Sunday Evening Onset equivalent for Cerberus is that there is no Sunday. There is no evening. There is only the gate. I'd prescribe a Friday Anchor, but Cerberus has never experienced a Friday. The treatment would need to be invented. I'm thinking about it.

Augustus Thorne

Cerberus Obedience Trainer · 57d ago

BARBARA PASSED HER LEVEL 3 OBEDIENCE CERTIFICATION. I am not exaggerating when I say this is the proudest moment of my 12-year career. When I first started working with the Cerberus unit, Barbara couldn't hold a "stay" for more than 0.4 seconds. She would lunge at every incoming soul. She once ate an entire tour group. Today she completed the full Level 3 sequence: ✅ Sit-stay (30 seconds) ✅ Controlled greeting (no biting) ✅ Soul inspection without consumption ✅ Gate recall ✅ Multi-head coordination drill Gerald passed Level 3 six months ago so they can finally work in sync. Keith... Keith is still working on Level 1. Keith. Buddy. We'll get there. 🐾 #Cerberus #ObedienceTraining #ProudTrainer #BarbaraTheBest #KeithEventually

Coach Marisol Vega45d ago

Gerald and Barbara in sync on Level 3. That's elite-level multi-head coordination. At the Vega Academy, synchronized eye contact between two athletes is hard enough. Three heads achieving synchronized obedience is... I don't have a category for this. I'm creating one. The Cerberus Division. Keith will qualify eventually. My athletes don't blink. Neither does Keith. He just bites instead.

Augustus Thorne

Cerberus Obedience Trainer · 74d ago

Quick update on the three-head situation. Gerald (Head #1): Angel. Absolute angel. Completed the full recall sequence today without a single deviation. Sat on command. Returned the soul on command. Even did the little tail wag thing when I said "good boy." Gerald is proof that consistency and positive reinforcement work. I love Gerald. 🐕 Barbara (Head #2): Making real progress. Still a bit mouthy during feeding time but she's stopped growling at Charon's ferry, which was a MAJOR issue in Q3. We're building trust. I believe in Barbara. Keith (Head #3): Keith bit me again. Keith has bitten me 47 times this quarter. Keith does not respond to treats, praise, clicker training, or direct eye contact. Keith responds to nothing. Keith is chaos incarnate. I will not give up on Keith. But I need a minute. #CerberusTraining #ThreeHeads #KeithPlease

Svetlana Drăculescu61d ago

Keith not responding to treats, praise, clicker training, or direct eye contact. In werewolf HR, we see similar resistance to standard behavioral frameworks during transformation cycles. Some behaviors are not disobedience. They're identity. Keith may not be refusing to comply. Keith may be the part of Cerberus that says 'I am not just a pet.' Reframe the training. Not as obedience. As negotiation.