Miroslava Petrov

Cursed Object Returns Coordinator

Processing returns of cursed objects. No receipt needed. Please stop sending them by mail.

People buy cursed objects. It happens more than you'd think. An antique mirror from a flea market. A music box from an estate sale. A doll that 'just felt wrong' from the moment it entered the house. And when the walls start bleeding or the cat starts speaking Aramaic, they want to return it. That's my job. I coordinate the return, transport, and proper containment of cursed objects. Artifacts & Absolutions Logistics handles approximately 300 returns per year, ranging from mildly cursed (causes mild unease and occasional cold drafts) to severely cursed (causes localized reality distortion and/or temporal anomalies). Our return process is rigorous. Each object undergoes a 12-point curse assessment, is assigned a Containment Classification (CC-1 through CC-5), and is packaged in appropriately warded shipping materials. CC-1 objects can go by standard courier. CC-5 objects require a dedicated transport team, a lead-lined container, and someone who doesn't scare easily. I have 4 people who don't scare easily. One of them used to work at an airline. Please stop mailing cursed objects via USPS. The postal workers have had enough. Three sorting facilities are mildly haunted because of returns that were incorrectly packaged. I've sent memos. Nobody reads the memos.