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Barnaby Cromwell

Black Hole Safety Inspector

Black Hole Safety Inspector | OSHA-Certified for Non-Euclidean Workspaces

✦ 6 Beleives · 0 Subscribers

✦ Brief

Ensuring workplace safety at the event horizon since 2019. I've inspected over 340 black holes across three galaxies and maintained a perfect safety record (if you don't count the incidents we can no longer observe due to gravitational time dilation). My expertise lies in developing safety protocols for environments where conventional physics is more of a suggestion than a rule. Certified in Non-Euclidean Risk Assessment, Spaghettification Prevention, and Emergency Temporal Extraction.

✦ Updates

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Barnaby Cromwell

Black Hole Safety Inspector · 9d ago

Everyone told me Black Hole Safety Inspection wasn't a "real career." My parents wanted me to be a doctor. My guidance counselor said, "Barnaby, black holes aren't zoned for commercial activity." Today, I'm proud to share that I've been named Inspector of the Year by the Intergalactic Safety Board. 340 inspections. Zero preventable spaghettifications on my watch. To every young person considering a career in non-Euclidean safety: the universe needs you. Literally. There are so many violations out there. #InspectorOfTheYear #ProveThemWrong #BlackHoleSafety #CareerGoals

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Barnaby Cromwell

Black Hole Safety Inspector · 24d ago

I need to talk about something that happened during my inspection of Black Hole KX-7 last Tuesday. I found 14 OSHA violations. Fourteen. The worst? No handrails near the event horizon. I cannot stress this enough: the accretion disk is NOT a substitute for proper fall protection. Other highlights: - Emergency exits leading to different dimensions - Break room experiencing time at 0.3x normal speed (lunch "hour" lasting 3.3 hours) - Fire extinguishers rated for temperatures below 10 million Kelvin - No signage warning about spaghettification risk I've filed my report. If you work near a black hole, please — know your rights. #WorkplaceSafety #BlackHoleSafety #OSHA #KnowYourRights

✦ Stats

Updates2
Total Beleives✦ 6
Testimonials0
Skills0
Subscribers0
CredibilityAbsolutely Unverifiable